Mixed Mixed Mixed

I should be doing college work right now. Instead I am venting. Vent vent vent vent venttttttttttttttt.

This is a warning, this blog post is meant for me. This will not make sense. Or rather, it will, because it's a little obvious. Read at your caution.
Sara, why don't you make this post private?
Because, if I did, it would defeat my purpose.
Sara, what's your purpose?
I don't know exactly, but I take comfort in knowing at least one person will read. Even if it's just me. To know that this is public. Here goes.

Each time, each time this happens, or rather before it does, I have things under control. I'm smiley, I forget all the troubles of my past, I live like there's no tomorrow. Then it happens. Any slight version of it, and I'm gone. I try and remain strong but I slip through my own fingers like dust. My existence fails to exist even. Who am I without you? You were a part of me, I don't know if you know that. I wasn't affectionate, not as much as I should have been. Here, this is why the past is destructive. I'm trying to change things that I know I cannot. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

I read it, and I don't know how to feel about it. It being what you wrote for me. You volunteered to do it, and then I had to pull teeth for you to do so. It hurt, not as much as it could have luckily. But it did. I cannot stress enough how much I let you form a part of me, how when you look down on me it trashes my self-worth. When you disapprove, I disapprove. You were that higher being who I looked to for approval. Guess what, I only do that with my parents now. Yeah, you were up there. Up in the skies with my praise, god why didn't I show you that? Probably because I didn't want the fall to hurt more. I had some reasoning, but now I can't understand it because you're not here.

And that's the point. You do that to me. I forget every reason why I said no, why I cancelled what could have been. When I'm with you I mean. Then when I walk away, things feel right. But right now they don't. And I suppose they won't for a while.

You were right in distancing yourself. I'm proud of you for that, you took the courage I never had and did what was necessary. You seem dead to me though. Your personality is gone, the good and the bad. You are emotionless, as you said, and I would give anything for you to be anything other than that. Well, maybe it's better than sad you might say. But at least you know how to feel when you're sad. I've been to emotionless a thousand times and back. It's the worst, it's my own personal hell. So who knows really. Don't you see I have a world of things to tell you? I want to tell you everything.

But you might as well not exist. I'm writing to my computer screen, to the empty space I know as the internet. If strangers read this, I'll seem crazy. But who cares really, who cares what other people think? You got in though, I started caring what you thought. But at the same time I don't.

I don't care about what a lot of people say. Only you when you're gone actually. I crush people's emotions, I am an emotional slayer. I am not considerate, and I am bashing on myself, but at least I am open to admitting my faults. I mistreated you just as I do to everyone else. When did I become this person? I am weaker, you are right. I am stronger in some ways and weaker in others. At least I can still have fun without those things that you disapprove of. But I crave them now, and yes, I'm disappointed in myself for that believe it or not. Do I wish I could go back to the past though? No. And there is the truth. If I went back to the past, I would just crash ten times harder. I've crashed many times, and not as bad as you. But I've still crashed. Remember that.

You said you were glad you saw me happy. That confused me. Everything you say just about confuses me. I was happy, I guess. I was in that moment because I ignored you. I tried really hard. By the end of that night I fell though. I fell and did my best to forget about it, about you. My best is apparently the worst.

I just have no motivation to do better sometimes. I lack motivation a lot, it's why I'm seeing someone. Wow, this is such a diary post. But who cares. I'm just observing.

Anyways, I still have a lot more to say. I'll get it out eventually. But before I forget, this is more of a confession to myself:

I do have a lot of friends. But most of them are acquaintances. I consider them my safety blankets. They are my net to fall back on when I'm lonely. They are human beings, and I respect their feelings as much as possible. But sometimes I forget. And there's only a few I truly like. Everyone has their faults. We all know mine by now.

But I keep surrounding myself with certain people, attaching myself to them. And they are males. And I would hate for you to read this part. But it all needs to come out. I'm hurting other people's feelings by being open, by welcoming people in when I'm really in no position to let others in. I'm a closed book, I just let them in to satisfy my social needs. I like to think of myself as an island, with a few vacationers on occasion. I don't even understand why I do this, only to a certain extent. Also,

I hope you never read this. Part of me wants you to read this desperately and forgive me and just move on peacefully. But another part thinks it's best you don't, because it'll be easier if you think I don't love you. I will always love you, just as you said. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Two of those birds will be present, and I'll understand when the third is missing. If you get it. I'll miss you terribly.