Goodbye For Now

All I do on here is ramble, so I'm going to leave for a while. Tumblr has enticed me, and I will answer the beckoning call. This has been too much, but also a wonderful thing. I'll come back when I'm more stable. Tata :)

Ah Well

Life goes on doesn't it? I'd just like to move past holding myself back.

That's all.

I Should Be Sleeping...

I have a flight to catch tomorrow. The actual flight is around 2pm, but to save money my dad is driving us and he has to go to work early, unfortunately....so we're leaving at 8AM. BLEH. I'm still not packed, it's 10:12pm. Woops.

This is my home. It's nice to finally feel that

Last night was amazing. First of all, I saw Black Swan---Killer. Beautifully directed, dark plot, just all around wonderful. Then afterwards Gigi, Keenan, and I went up to the star and took photos from the top. Wow, that was crazy. It was the most breathtaking view, I cannot begin to express how amazed I was. I felt so alive. The cold air was squeezing my longs, I was frozen with fear of slipping and sliding down the mountain, and I couldn't take my eyes off of the view. I want to go up there and sit each night until the sun rises, it was the first time I've truly appreciated Boulder or Colorado before.

When I first moved here I looked at the mountains, caught a glimpse, and looked away. My parents stared in awe and appreciation, but I didn't care. Yes Boulderites, hate on me. I don't care about the mountains. The ocean is my niche. But the view from the star was enough to slap me into reality and truly take a look at what is presented in front of me. Even if I don't appreciate the mountains, I can appreciate that view. That view holds my happiness, a part of it that I want to remember forever. I keep taking moments that I love and leaving some happy feelings with them, so that when I go back I can reminisce with respect instead of regret that the moments are over. Lalalala run on sentences, excuse my grammar. We all know I like to ramble, but this is a great one. This is the ramble which speaks of important things, like loving the place I live in.

To conclude, this is one of the first times I don't look forward to going back east. I love my family, but I'd just rather be here all break. Or somewhere warm :) I'll have lots of new pictures and hopefully exciting stories when I get back! Ciao!

Crash

Watch the movie "Crash". It is beautiful, meaningful, and wonderful. Full of great things. I'm leaving for NY Tuesday. I haven't even started packing. I will eventually.

I just wanted to write something, and save the rambling for my twitter. That's right, I got a new twitter account! Dear Gigi Mesch, thank you for persuading me haha.

If y'all want to follow me, it's twindles. Hello Goodbye.

Short and Sweet

Today, of all days, was a great day. I got nothing important accomplished, and it was still a wonderful day.

To start off, I'm in love. With a band of course :)
Faded Paper Figures, my heart is yours. You have beautiful harmony, interesting instruments, and I wish you would goddamn come on tour so I could purchase a ticket to see y'all.

Small Talk - current favorite
North By North - tied for favorite, off of their first album

There are other great ones, but these are my favorite. In an earlier post I linked "Invent It All Again", and that was played on repeat until I listened to more of their music. Let's face it, all of their tracks are great! Or so I think.

Today I did NOT get a haircut (unfortunately), but Friday I will! Cat's out of the bag. Today I milled around because I had the day off. I then went to therapy, picked up my mother, went to Denver!,  took pictures, FINALLY CHANGED MY PIERCING!#@$##&%&*, (so excited), spent an hour and forty five minutes in a hair salon annotating Frankenstein, picked up Chinese food, attended the Holiday Concert for Choir, and came home!

I've been out since 1:45pm.
The Choir concert was spectacular.
My piercing looks so so so good, everything I dreamed it would be.
I am finally reaching the point I've wanted to be at, and it's taken a good number of years.
It's very worth it.

I'm really happy with how things are.
I think I have a mosquito bite on my wrist, how is that possible?
<<<<<<Seriously, look how happy I am!
I'm pointing out how happy I am so I can remember this week for a long time.
Lovelovelovelovelove

When Nothing Else Matters

......when you get into your dream school.


I got into Brooks Institute of Photography.
Everything has been so good to me lately.
Typically I'd wait for a crash, but who cares?
I'm living in the happiness, and I don't want it any other way.

YAY!

Life is good. Life is very very very good to me.

There are always rough spots in my life, in everyone's lives actually. Some are rougher than others, and we all should just push through and remember the good times from the past, and the great ones to come from the future.

I just had a really normal weekend, but for some reason it was the best I've had since October. For those of you who don't know, the first three weeks of October were the best of my entire year. Besides summer of this year, actually. This year has been the best and worst of my life, and it seems appropriate because they do come hand in hand. There always has to be some sort of balance.

Basically, this weekend consisted of working a lot and studying for finals. Friday night I went to Kenna's to study math after running errands (which she hated) (but they only took five minutes each!). Then after studying math for a while I went home to study on my own, and later I made Rick come over to help me study for math again. Rick is a genius, everything he said immediately made sense and helped me to understand math. Then I went to bed, because tomorrow morning was.....ACT!

Yuck. The ACT was gross, but I did so much better than last time (the first time I took it). I was really proud of myself on the science portion, but I failed the math. That's ok, I got at least 50% correct! Woop. English and Reading I rocked, because that's where my strengths are.

After the ACT, I went straight to work for a dress rehearsal. The winter showcase was today, December 12th, Sunday. Saturday was slightly hectic, but I did most of my homework during work and it wasn't too bad. I was a guard at the door, making sure no parents went into the studio to see the kids. It had to remain a surprise!

After work I went to Mark's and hung out with him for a little, and helped put up Christmas lights. In reality I just climbed onto the roof (after slamming my knee into a windowframe) and hobbled around complaining. Then I played with Mocha, watched an episode of The Office from season six that I hadn't seen, and left for Kenna's! (second time this weekend).

Once I got to Kenna's we drove to Hein's house and met up with a few people there to study. I just met these guys for the first time that night, and they are already some of the greatest people I know. They're all really goofy and laid back, and it's just too easy to have a great time with them. They made studying fun, and I loved every second of it. Plus I enjoy meeting new people, so that was a nice boost.

Around six forty five I left for Pablo's house to study for sociology with him and Gigi. I arrived before Gigi and went a little crazy from exhaustion, but luckily Pablo is cool so he didn't freak out too much. I basically walked around his kitchen and kept knocking on wood about not getting the chicken pox (long story). Basically, I loved hanging out. We didn't study much, Rick came over when Gigi left, we watched Get Him To The Greek (hilarious), and we had fun riding three people in a two seater Miata...or at least Pablo and I did. Rick was pissed a little, but we couldn't stop laughing.

I loved this weekend a lot because I laughed extremely hard, and I haven't been that happy since the muse concert. I miss everything about the first three weeks of October, about summer in general. I won't talk about today because I don't have any energy left and I need to study for Sociology. I want to remember this weekend as a beacon of hope. Something to represent that no matter how bad things get, they can turn around just as quickly. I love my life, and I will do everything in my power to keep it that way.

Things I did today so I can look back on this and remember:
-Take Christmas Photos for the Johnston Family
-Eat at The Egg& I
-Work and assist with the Winter Showcase
-Decorate a Christmas Tree with MB
-Fall ill and die a little on my bed from stomach sickness
-Draft my Christmas List
-Develop a positive outlook on life

PS-No picture today, too lazy, sorrrry

New Post!

I enjoy posting, but I haven't had time lately. To start off, my goal for this post will be to remain positive. To do so, I must mention the bad and what I think about it. In a general, obscure way of course. How else do I do it?

-I have done things that I regret lately. I have given myself where I was not deserved. All on impulse, on the impulse of wanting to feel needed. I do regret these things, but as each day passes I forget. I forget about what happened, but most importantly I forget the significance that previously accompanied the action. Things will get better, time heals all. Everyone supposedly knows that, but it's nice to repeat aloud and feel proof to accompany the phrase.

Positivity! What have I been doing lately? Messing around on photoshop, hanging out with friends, working, and volunteering. I am lacking sleep, but I like the feeling because I'm always giggling. Everything becomes extremely funny when I'm tired, and even though my eyes feel like they're going to pop out of their sockets I laugh until my lungs give out.

Laughing is something I highly value, and those who don't laugh at least once a day are lacking.

I could rant, but I'm too tired. I'll eventually go back to how I used to write, but for now I'm content keeping it short. That is all.

P.S.:

It's December!

That means it's time for a fresh start. So here goes.

I stayed up until 1AM last night (this morning). The USC server was down and I really wanted to submit my app...so I waited...and waited...and waited. And talked to various people while waiting.

I'm also too tired to submit writing, so basically, today was tough. Just as every day has been. For various reasons. But things will get better, I know they will.

One thing I do want to mention is that today my mother told me it wasn't worth applying to USC because I wouldn't get in anyway, and that was a slap in the face. A huge slap in the face. This came from the woman who had told me that I could do anything I wanted since the day I was born. It brought me down a few notches for the day, but after a shower I realized that it just gave me reason to push harder. Showers do that, yunno. :)

Basically, I don't apply to schools based on whether I'll get in or not. I do so because I want to go and they are worth my time and effort. Never give up, no matter what the situation. I wish I could have learned this way earlier.

Photo!
I've been messing around.

Messing around in photoshop with old pictures, nothing special

On another note, I am becoming stronger every day. I look forward to each new day now, and I rarely wake up in a bad mood. With the start of each morning things look bright, and I will work hard on keeping them that way.

Comfort

She took a step outside into the cold air and drew in her breath. It was cold and crisp. The frost had an edge, and it cut through her lungs like razor blades. She rubbed her mittens together and huffed into them, an attempt to warm the life back into her pink fingertips. Everything was numb, it was of no use. She shuffled onward towards the bus station, dreaming to the soundtrack of crooning heartbroken women.

Excerpts from my mind. I have a writing notebook, but I don't carry it around with me. Which was the point. It's a shame. I will someday, I'll make an effort to.

My Mood

This song inspires me to do better. So much better than I've been doing. It's time to drop the dead weight, what I'm carrying around for the hell of it. I am much better than I make myself to be, if only I make an effort to be so. It's time to make an effort. It feels good to do better, great even. I love this blog for letting me rant, it feels a thousand times better to let it all out.

I'm in the process of writing letters to several people. Some of them mean nothing, and others the world. By 'in the process' I mean that it's all in my head, and here are some rough drafts:

Dear You,

I barely know you. You barely know me. Yet we're doing things, and being together. You are a scatterbrain from what I can tell. You're a nice enough person, but you're lacking something. I don't even like you that much and I'm giving you all of my personality and friendship. I'm being completely open with you, and you turn away from me. This only makes me try harder, I see you as a challenge. You're a prize to me in the sense that once I grasp you and your attention, I will have won my little game. Then I'll be done with you, I'll take what I want from you. I don't want you that badly. I just like feeling loved, and you give me that feeling on occasion. You should know that I'm not to be messed with. I have emotions, strong ones at that. I cannot be your plaything, although there is irony in that statement because I consider you mine. I say all these things, but I treat you the way I do not want to be treated. I just wish you would fall for me already so I could crush you swiftly and walk away. That's how it's going to end up anyway, right? But maybe not, because you're not as open with me as I am with you. I can't change that though, I cannot change you. And I don't want to. Because I barely know you, right?

The point is, well, is there one? There never really are points to my rants. Except to let it all out.

So, as I was saying, do whatever you want. But I won't be there to smile at you through it all. I will not be at your knees praising your words, that train has left the station. I was never in a place to be that person for you anyway. And because i'm not in the right state, this is what happens. You get a rant, I'm devoting a rant to you, and I've known you for less than a month.

Why do you procure such strong emotions from me, you might wonder? Because I am not myself. Because I haven't been for over a month. I don't do this for practically strangers, but don't feel special. You are not special to me. I'm sure you are to other people, but not to me. So take this as you may, except you will not take it as anything. That's because you don't know that this is about you, and you don't even read my blog. No one does really, except me. Only I read it because only I thoroughly understand it. So here's to you, and me laughing straight in your face. Here's to forgetting all about you when I grow up, more so than now.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A second letter of sorts,


Dear You,

We will grow to be separate. We will grow to be good people, both of us. I will love you, I hope, because I don't want to stop loving you. You will love me, I hope, because I am selfish and I bathe in your love. I don't want to hear about the others, I just want to live in my past with you. I sincerely hope that you grow to be the strongest human being I've ever known, emotionally that is. Mentally even. You will achieve great things, and even if I'm on the sidelines, I hope to be there to watch.
-----------------------------------------------------------


I need to be alone. Completely alone. Friends may withstand this time period, but only a few. I need to isolate myself, but I never will. That is completely outside of my comfort zone, and I do not have the balls to go there. Have I forgotten everything from this summer? I suppose I have. Rather it's hidden in the back of my mind, teasing me to try it out. But my fear holds me back, and I do not desire to be alone. Eventually it will come to the point where I can do nothing but be alone, because I will have destroyed all possible relationships. Why? Because I was never alone. So I'll be alone, eventually. For now I'll coast along and hope I don't end up somewhere bad, somewhere that I can't come back from.

But again, there's hope. There's light at the end of that tunnel, but what is in the tunnel? Only to be alone will I ever find out what withstands it, and so I'll do it. Maybe I just need a push. And maybe I'll end up pushing myself.