Comfort

She took a step outside into the cold air and drew in her breath. It was cold and crisp. The frost had an edge, and it cut through her lungs like razor blades. She rubbed her mittens together and huffed into them, an attempt to warm the life back into her pink fingertips. Everything was numb, it was of no use. She shuffled onward towards the bus station, dreaming to the soundtrack of crooning heartbroken women.

Excerpts from my mind. I have a writing notebook, but I don't carry it around with me. Which was the point. It's a shame. I will someday, I'll make an effort to.

My Mood

This song inspires me to do better. So much better than I've been doing. It's time to drop the dead weight, what I'm carrying around for the hell of it. I am much better than I make myself to be, if only I make an effort to be so. It's time to make an effort. It feels good to do better, great even. I love this blog for letting me rant, it feels a thousand times better to let it all out.

I'm in the process of writing letters to several people. Some of them mean nothing, and others the world. By 'in the process' I mean that it's all in my head, and here are some rough drafts:

Dear You,

I barely know you. You barely know me. Yet we're doing things, and being together. You are a scatterbrain from what I can tell. You're a nice enough person, but you're lacking something. I don't even like you that much and I'm giving you all of my personality and friendship. I'm being completely open with you, and you turn away from me. This only makes me try harder, I see you as a challenge. You're a prize to me in the sense that once I grasp you and your attention, I will have won my little game. Then I'll be done with you, I'll take what I want from you. I don't want you that badly. I just like feeling loved, and you give me that feeling on occasion. You should know that I'm not to be messed with. I have emotions, strong ones at that. I cannot be your plaything, although there is irony in that statement because I consider you mine. I say all these things, but I treat you the way I do not want to be treated. I just wish you would fall for me already so I could crush you swiftly and walk away. That's how it's going to end up anyway, right? But maybe not, because you're not as open with me as I am with you. I can't change that though, I cannot change you. And I don't want to. Because I barely know you, right?

The point is, well, is there one? There never really are points to my rants. Except to let it all out.

So, as I was saying, do whatever you want. But I won't be there to smile at you through it all. I will not be at your knees praising your words, that train has left the station. I was never in a place to be that person for you anyway. And because i'm not in the right state, this is what happens. You get a rant, I'm devoting a rant to you, and I've known you for less than a month.

Why do you procure such strong emotions from me, you might wonder? Because I am not myself. Because I haven't been for over a month. I don't do this for practically strangers, but don't feel special. You are not special to me. I'm sure you are to other people, but not to me. So take this as you may, except you will not take it as anything. That's because you don't know that this is about you, and you don't even read my blog. No one does really, except me. Only I read it because only I thoroughly understand it. So here's to you, and me laughing straight in your face. Here's to forgetting all about you when I grow up, more so than now.
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A second letter of sorts,


Dear You,

We will grow to be separate. We will grow to be good people, both of us. I will love you, I hope, because I don't want to stop loving you. You will love me, I hope, because I am selfish and I bathe in your love. I don't want to hear about the others, I just want to live in my past with you. I sincerely hope that you grow to be the strongest human being I've ever known, emotionally that is. Mentally even. You will achieve great things, and even if I'm on the sidelines, I hope to be there to watch.
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I need to be alone. Completely alone. Friends may withstand this time period, but only a few. I need to isolate myself, but I never will. That is completely outside of my comfort zone, and I do not have the balls to go there. Have I forgotten everything from this summer? I suppose I have. Rather it's hidden in the back of my mind, teasing me to try it out. But my fear holds me back, and I do not desire to be alone. Eventually it will come to the point where I can do nothing but be alone, because I will have destroyed all possible relationships. Why? Because I was never alone. So I'll be alone, eventually. For now I'll coast along and hope I don't end up somewhere bad, somewhere that I can't come back from.

But again, there's hope. There's light at the end of that tunnel, but what is in the tunnel? Only to be alone will I ever find out what withstands it, and so I'll do it. Maybe I just need a push. And maybe I'll end up pushing myself.

Mixed Mixed Mixed

I should be doing college work right now. Instead I am venting. Vent vent vent vent venttttttttttttttt.

This is a warning, this blog post is meant for me. This will not make sense. Or rather, it will, because it's a little obvious. Read at your caution.
Sara, why don't you make this post private?
Because, if I did, it would defeat my purpose.
Sara, what's your purpose?
I don't know exactly, but I take comfort in knowing at least one person will read. Even if it's just me. To know that this is public. Here goes.

Each time, each time this happens, or rather before it does, I have things under control. I'm smiley, I forget all the troubles of my past, I live like there's no tomorrow. Then it happens. Any slight version of it, and I'm gone. I try and remain strong but I slip through my own fingers like dust. My existence fails to exist even. Who am I without you? You were a part of me, I don't know if you know that. I wasn't affectionate, not as much as I should have been. Here, this is why the past is destructive. I'm trying to change things that I know I cannot. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

I read it, and I don't know how to feel about it. It being what you wrote for me. You volunteered to do it, and then I had to pull teeth for you to do so. It hurt, not as much as it could have luckily. But it did. I cannot stress enough how much I let you form a part of me, how when you look down on me it trashes my self-worth. When you disapprove, I disapprove. You were that higher being who I looked to for approval. Guess what, I only do that with my parents now. Yeah, you were up there. Up in the skies with my praise, god why didn't I show you that? Probably because I didn't want the fall to hurt more. I had some reasoning, but now I can't understand it because you're not here.

And that's the point. You do that to me. I forget every reason why I said no, why I cancelled what could have been. When I'm with you I mean. Then when I walk away, things feel right. But right now they don't. And I suppose they won't for a while.

You were right in distancing yourself. I'm proud of you for that, you took the courage I never had and did what was necessary. You seem dead to me though. Your personality is gone, the good and the bad. You are emotionless, as you said, and I would give anything for you to be anything other than that. Well, maybe it's better than sad you might say. But at least you know how to feel when you're sad. I've been to emotionless a thousand times and back. It's the worst, it's my own personal hell. So who knows really. Don't you see I have a world of things to tell you? I want to tell you everything.

But you might as well not exist. I'm writing to my computer screen, to the empty space I know as the internet. If strangers read this, I'll seem crazy. But who cares really, who cares what other people think? You got in though, I started caring what you thought. But at the same time I don't.

I don't care about what a lot of people say. Only you when you're gone actually. I crush people's emotions, I am an emotional slayer. I am not considerate, and I am bashing on myself, but at least I am open to admitting my faults. I mistreated you just as I do to everyone else. When did I become this person? I am weaker, you are right. I am stronger in some ways and weaker in others. At least I can still have fun without those things that you disapprove of. But I crave them now, and yes, I'm disappointed in myself for that believe it or not. Do I wish I could go back to the past though? No. And there is the truth. If I went back to the past, I would just crash ten times harder. I've crashed many times, and not as bad as you. But I've still crashed. Remember that.

You said you were glad you saw me happy. That confused me. Everything you say just about confuses me. I was happy, I guess. I was in that moment because I ignored you. I tried really hard. By the end of that night I fell though. I fell and did my best to forget about it, about you. My best is apparently the worst.

I just have no motivation to do better sometimes. I lack motivation a lot, it's why I'm seeing someone. Wow, this is such a diary post. But who cares. I'm just observing.

Anyways, I still have a lot more to say. I'll get it out eventually. But before I forget, this is more of a confession to myself:

I do have a lot of friends. But most of them are acquaintances. I consider them my safety blankets. They are my net to fall back on when I'm lonely. They are human beings, and I respect their feelings as much as possible. But sometimes I forget. And there's only a few I truly like. Everyone has their faults. We all know mine by now.

But I keep surrounding myself with certain people, attaching myself to them. And they are males. And I would hate for you to read this part. But it all needs to come out. I'm hurting other people's feelings by being open, by welcoming people in when I'm really in no position to let others in. I'm a closed book, I just let them in to satisfy my social needs. I like to think of myself as an island, with a few vacationers on occasion. I don't even understand why I do this, only to a certain extent. Also,

I hope you never read this. Part of me wants you to read this desperately and forgive me and just move on peacefully. But another part thinks it's best you don't, because it'll be easier if you think I don't love you. I will always love you, just as you said. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Two of those birds will be present, and I'll understand when the third is missing. If you get it. I'll miss you terribly.

The End, For Now

Ah, today was the last day of Thanksgiving break. It has been a really mellow day. I stayed up until 2:30AM last night, (rather this morning), so I slept in until 10:30AM ish. Once I brought myself to wake up, I immediately started reading Frankenstein. I was only a third of the way through the book, and it has to be read by tomorrow. All of it. And I did it! But unfortunately there are journal questions that accompany it, and I haven't done any of them. Also, today I planned on finishing all my college apps. HA. I'm almost done with applying to USC, and that's 1/3 of what I need to get done. All of it is due by Wednesday, I'm a little screwed. But I brought this on myself, and now I must accept the consequences.

This picture represents a lot of things, one being my complete surprise. When I posted this for the public to see, a lot of people liked it more than the photos I considered to be artsier. I can understand why after thinking about it, this photo shows human emotion which is more attractive than a blank face. I am attracted to modeling photos because they can be emotionless, but not everyone has the same opinion. This photo also represents my mood, which is a great contrast to yesterdays :)! I'm smiley, and I'm going to hold on to it for as long as possible.

Today, I was also in a bit of a rocker mood. Here's a supplement to the feeling
Music!
It's an interesting turn from what I've been listening to lately. I heard it in my friend Rick's car the other day when we all went swimming at the Longmont Rec Center, and I really like it. This is more of what I listened to in middle school, so I'm surprised I like it so much. To contrast that, I've also been listening to a lot more of Mumford & Sons. Here are a few of my favorites by them
White Blank Page
Roll Away Your Stone
I Gave You All
Winter Winds

Enjoy!

Rollercoaster Rides

Cliche, to start off with. Today was a miserable, miserable day. Everything was going great, and then it all slid downhill. I was planning on going to the Denver Aquarium with Kati, Ashley, and Pablo, and before we left to go my father told me my cat was sick. There is something all my mysterious readers should understand, and it's that I love my cat more than anything in the entire universe. I would do anything for that cat, including spending my savings to take her to the vet. She is the only being which I can trust completely, because she's a cat, and she will not disappoint me. She has been there for me for the past nine years, and has done nothing but loved me (with the occasional scratches for teasing her). I don't believe I will ever connect this deeply to another animal in my entire lifetime, mainly because she's been there through the foundation years of my youth. And she's still here, she is everything to me. I don't like the idea of getting a tattoo, but if someone asked me to prove my love for her I would get an entire back tattoo of her face with a loving message on the bottom. When she does eventually die, I will most likely get a tattoo of her somewhere on my body. When I go off to college, I am afraid to be without her. She is my anchor. I am rambling about her because I thought she was near death today. I am afraid of losing her so much that a simple cold sets me off my rocker. I don't know what happened, but by the time I came home she was fine again. In the beginning of the day she wasn't eating, moving lethargically, and not mewing (which is rare, she's very noisy). To sum it up, I love my cat immensely. She is my world, why I wake up in the morning, why I look forward to coming home every night. She is someone to cuddle with, someone to love, someone to make me feel better about myself. Without her, I would not be the person I am today. If you don't get it by now, i'm not kidding around. She is my everything, and the day she dies I am going down in pieces.

My baby, Boots

Anyways, at the aquarium we had to pay $16 to get in (JIP!). It was hard to take pictures because of the glare on the glass, and there were a bunch of people there. I think it's extremely ironic how they serve seafood at the aquarium, that's just not right. What are we doing, looking at the next plate served downstairs? It's like an elk farm I saw once that advertised fresh meat for sale, while the poor elk were alive and roaming, with no idea what would happen to them. Other than that the aquarium was going great, until my camera glitched. I tried taking a picture and it just froze, so I took the battery out. It kept doing that no matter how many times I took out the battery, and I'm really upset. That camera holds my future in it's hands. Not really actually, but it's my first real camera. I spent my hard earned money on that camera in 2008, and I love it dearly. I've never dropped it either, so I'm confused. After the aquarium we went to McDonald's and it was funny. Ashley and Pablo both got chocolate milkshakes, and Kati and I chilled out with some water. I was tempted to try some, but I held back. Sweets really mess up my skin, and that's my biggest insecurity so I try not to have any.

After we came back from Denver Ashley and I hung out for a while, and then departed to Gigi's. Gigi had a catering project to do, and invited us over to eat her delicious dinner. It was Ashley, Matt, Gigi, and I. Dinner was really good, we had linguini with alfredo sauce and shrimp, caesar salad, rolls, and key lime pie for dessert. The pie was excellent, I hated myself a little for eating so much of it but I couldn't refuse. That would be rude. Everything was great, even the salad which I typically don't like. Afterwards we all played rockband, and I sucked at singing to songs I don't know. Also playing guitar on easy? Yeah count me out, I guess I just couldn't do anything. But the one thing that bugs me is my singing. It has depleted since 8th grade when I was in choir, and it bugs me. If I were to choose a realistic goal it would be to learn how to improve my vocals. I want to be able to sing beautifully, and if that never happens, I at least want people to like the sound of my voice. Most importantly would be for me to like it, but I am my hardest critic so that's a bit tough. 

I have a letter I want to write to someone, but I haven't brought myself to do it. It's tough writing letters that will never be sent. I want to get rid of all the anger, pain, exhaustion, and depression I've been housing about my past relationships and things that have gone wrong. I'm finally on the right path, but every time there is a chance encountering things go horribly wrong. My mood spirals downward and I lose all motivation to keep going. It almost makes me wish I had never loved, but love was beautiful. It wooshed all my problems away, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. I just need to keep busy, but that hasn't been working. I need to get away desperately, I need a fresh start. It's not healthy to run away from problems, but I do not have any motivation to do it any differently. I want to throw myself into my work and forget about everyone else's existence (except my family). Anyways, the one song that does cheer me up is called The Cave by Mumford & Sons. The lyrics really speak to me, and I feel empowered every time I listen to it. Everyone has a power song, maybe they haven't found theirs yet. I hope you all do. It is a godsend, a blessed gift.

There is a lot I have to talk about. I just can't think of it all at the same time. Then there's times where I have nothing to say, but I write for the sake of speaking out for whoever reads this to see what I'm going through or thinking. I can very openly admit that I love attention, and I love being loved and listened to. I'm also a very independent person, and sometimes I need a lot of space. If someone does read this, or a few people, I'm glad you do. I hope you read every word, because I would read every word of your blog. I hope someone is out there who can understand what I'm going through, can laugh at my jokes, and have empathy with my situations. I just want to be loved. Doesn't everyone?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Song of the Day
What You Know

I thought I had a lot to blog about, but I'm actually not in much of a blogging mood. Thanksgiving dinner was good, we ate at 3PM. I basically worked on my soc book all day and avoided reading Frankenstein, which is not good news. It's due by the end of break, yikes. I got really far on the book which is a plus. It's turning out really nicely, and I'm excited to see the end product. Here's a few pictures, sorry this is really short, I just wanted to write a little something to remember the day. Just messing around in photoshop for the first, the second is from San Francisco night life.

Just kidding I lied, I'm not done. There's songs that I hear a lot but never find out who they're by, and this one happens to be one of them.

Blue Ridge Mountains

Cinder and Smoke

To Start Off:
A Good Song

That music describes the mood I'm in currently. I want to go through the past two days, and I believe I will. I just need some relaxing music to accompany this task because it's 3:39AM on Thanksgiving and I'm still not in bed.

Yesterday I started my day off normally and worked on my sociology book a lot. I also started making Gigi's soc page, which turned out fantastically (especially for me, I only edit photos in photoshop, I don't create pieces of art from scratch). Curious? Bing. My work of art, that is. That took a lot of effort, and it also represents more than a project or the definition of my friendship with her. To me, it represents my eternal growth with the profession I am choosing to pursue. If I hadn't worked my butt off to produce something like this, I would never have made it this far. I am proud of my growth, and it builds to the theory that practice does make perfect (but no, I'm not calling this perfect). I am proud of where I am coming from, and proud of where I will be going.

Later on in the day, Gigi came over and we went to King Soopers for pie ingredients. We decided to make a chocolate pecan pie, which I had never tasted before. She let me drive her stickshift back to my house, and it was funny to try it out in a different car besides my father's truck. I am average at stick, but still learning. Not nearly ready for highways, but backroads and roads under 40mph are good enough for my skills. Her car was very smooth compared to my father's, but I like each for different reasons. When driving my dad's truck, I love the rugged feel because it makes me feel tough and impressive. I loved Gigi's clutch because it was smooth and luxurious, so I felt enviable and high-class. Once we got back to my house we realized we forgot the pie crust and drove to Safeway, bought some, and returned home. The baking process began, and it looked very promising. The only flaw was that we forgot to put a cookie sheet under the pie....woops. 60 minutes later we opened the oven to an abundance of smoke, but luckily it wasn't our pie that suffered. Some of the filling had dripped over the side (okay, a lot of filling) and burned to a crisp, leaving my whole house smoky. My mother gave us specific instructions not to burn the house down, and imagine her reaction when she walked into a smoky house...bad news bears. After the cleanup Gigi and I left to her house, where we ate dinner and played around in photoshop. We were supposed to go ice skating with Kenna, but the rink was closed. Instead we went to a mutual friend's house and listened to music, nothing special. It was a very relaxing night, and we both passed out when we got back to Gigi's.

Today, I woke up, found Gigi with her kittens, and played with them for a bit. Afterwards we made delicious 'melt in your mouth' pancakes, and stuffed ourselves silly. I went home to work on my soc book and projects in general, and took the bus to get there. Usually I dread taking the bus, but for some reason today was different. I welcomed the long ride to sit back, relax, and listen to music. It gave me forty five minutes to unwind, and I do not get to appreciate little things like that very often. Upon arriving home more work ensued, with later on ACT practice and cooking with my mother. Off again! I went to see Harry Potter for the 2nd time, and it was just as beautiful. The series holds a special place in my heart, and each time I see any of the movies I feel an emotional pull towards them. When Dobby exclaimed that he did not have any masters, I wanted to jump out of my seat and cheer. I sort of did for the midnight premiere, but the second time around the viewers were not as into it so I restrained myself from being obnoxious and silently cheered him on. The rest of the night I don't feel like going into detail for, because there are more important things to talk about. What I do want to remember, looking back and reading this, is that I am the initiator for most situations I put myself in. If I think I will regret something, then I should not do it. If I do it anyway, then I should not regret it.

The most important realization of the week is how safe I feel in choosing photography as my future career, lifestyle, etc. Photography is my everything, and I cannot stress it enough. Ex:

These are photos that I just edited back from a shoot in September. I had forgotten about this shoot, and editing them gave me large amounts of energy. Photography just puts the life back into me. It warms my body all the way from my fingertips to my toes. It makes me numb with excitement, anticipating the great shot I have yet to take. I want to capture meaning, and I'm still a long ways away from knowing what truly encompasses that technique. For now I am enjoying the ride along the way, trying this and that to see what works and doesn't. This might not make sense, and I am rambling a bit, but it's 4AM, I'm on the verge of insane, and I just want to do this for me. I'm writing this blog for myself, I'm doing it to look back and feel good about how far I've come. This is a memory, and this is the past I'm willing to look back on.

This photo is an example of all the past judgements I have let go--all the knowledge I have gained through personal meaning of photography. I remember visiting a school in San Francisco in late August, and they had a student gallery near the lobby. I toured the gallery, thinking that there wasn't anything spectacular among the bunch. I then came to a series of photos with horses in them, but the horses were blurred from motion. I was confused, it looked like the rubbish I would immediately press delete upon seeing. I read the plaque next to the photos, and it described how the photographer used the blurs as extensions of the horses' spirits, etc etc. It sounded like a bunch of crap, and I walked away with my ignorance intact. Only recently have I come to realize that the photos had meaning. It was special to the photographer because that's the way she saw them, and she was communicating that through her photos along with her emotions on the subjects. My photo has a different meaning, and as you may have noticed the subject is not in focus at all. This adds to my emotions on the site we shot at, Gigi's past house at Sunshine Canyon. I went for a ghostly feel throughout the shoot without realizing it, which connected to my sorrow for the house that once was. The subject is blurred, which is technically incorrect, but I kept the photo because it has meaning. To me, it wraps up the disappearance of a lifetime for someone I care about, the death of a huge landmark. There goes the past life, and now it's time to start anew. The blurred subject is the past, and the past is lost because the seeker needs to move forward with their life. The future is unclear, and the past is a blur, but we will always have a new day to look forward to.

Goodnight. I hope to live each day with a sense of purpose, and hope that no matter what today is like, tomorrow will be a fresh start.

DONE!

Wow Sara, creative title right? I know. I'm just extremely happy that I finally finished editing the photos from Ward, it was quite a doozy. It's nice to have Thanksgiving break because it gives me a bunch of time to do this, whereas it would usually take me three weeks. So to celebrate, here are my top 5 (not in order)! I put the rest on facebook, i've kind of drifted away from using flickr. What I really need is my own website...

#1

So I WAS going to post top 5, and then blogger got EXTREMELY complicated. I need a tutorial on how to arrange pictures before I continue to post more than one, it has proven to be more difficult than necessary. Just check out my fb album to see the rest. Meow

Reaching Forward

Ahhhhh...it's funny how different each day can be. Yesterday was a beautiful mess, and today was just a wonderful day all over. I got some work done, hung out with a good friend, and had dinner with another good friend. I just want to explain every single detail so I can remember this day, but I'll skim the important parts.

Today I spent the first 5 hours of my day editing photos from the shoot I did yesterday, and that was a doozy. That got me halfway through, so naturally I decided to go through them again and delete more that didn't have any zing to them. I love being a photographer, but it takes a lot more work than most people expect from it (as does most everything). Finally around 2:30 my mother came home from errands and dropped me off at Jessie's where I got to work on my sociology book and just catch up with her. I love her a ton and I missed her, so it was a great day. I can be myself around her completely, and that's what I value most in people. I came home around 6pm and edited more photos, then went to dinner in Denver with Mark around 7. We had reservations at 8PM and we got there exactly on the dot, perfect timing. I was a little sketched out because the restaurant, Washington Park Grille, was hidden on this small street with a bunch of shops in the middle of some neighborhoods in South Denver. Of course when I picked it I thought it was in the city...ahahaha. What a joke. We ordered a $14.00 appetizer, and it was quite worth it. Bruschetta, Calamari, Crab Cakes, and that one dish where you put tomato on top of mozzarella and basil-YUM! Shortly after our food came, and I had my Penne with Sausage, Mushrooms, and a creamy tomato sauce. It wasn't to die for, but it definitely surpassed your average Olive Garden meal. Worth the money, I would say. Afterwards we stayed in the restaurant for a while and just talked about everything, and I really enjoyed it. No one does that anymore, just sits and talks. I even put my coat on because I expected to leave, but we didn't, and after I while I took it off. So I say, if a restaurant isn't busy then sit down and talk. Get to know a person, anything really. I ranted, laughed, got a little angry, and drank a ton of water. And it felt great, just being in company with someone who I enjoy. I'm glad I haven't pushed everyone out of my life, because tonight helped me realized things will get better. There's no avoiding that, my life is heading in a positive direction. I have completely gotten rid of the weights on my shoulders (well, the weights being people, excluding schoolwork, guh). I am ready to start living my life positively, and hey, I should have done this a looooong time ago.

Basically, even if I float away from my initial destination, at least I'm moving towards something right?

The Full Moon

The full moon causes a lot of trouble. Someone of importance recently told me that it was scientifically proven that the full moon changes people's emotions and changes their personalities mildly. How interesting, am I right? Well I experienced it twice as hard, the full moon happened to revolve around another issue that is not pleasant to discuss over blog, or anywhere for that matter (ha). Today I went up to Ward, CO with friends to take photos for my portfolio. I started out fine before we started the car ride, but once we got going I just shut down. I don't understand why, or where it came from. It was scary and I completely lost all motivation to be happy, or at least agreeable. I stayed like that until I started my portion of the shoot, and then things got better. Now I'm back home and it has hit me all over again.

I just found out Gigi can't come to Steamboat Springs in January and I'm extremely upset. I don't know why it's this bad, I just expected to be sad and then get over it because at least I'm going on vacation right? Nope. I guess I've been attaching myself to certain people lately, and avoiding others. I've been pushing a lot of people away, and many of them have just been extremely annoying for no reason. It's not them either, just every little thing they do bothers me. It's multitudes of people, and I have no reason to be annoyed with them. I'm blaming everything on the full moon and other issues, but it doesn't get me anywhere.

I miss my past a lot, and looking back on it messes me up beyond belief. I get in a funk after thinking of the people now absent from my life and all the ways I messed up, when I could have easily prevented a lot of what happened. I've just been doing whatever the hell I want to lately, and it doesn't work out. It's quite the opposite. I also don't like texting anyone, I've been extremely anti-social. Great for Thanksgiving break, hm? Totally. BLEH. Whine whine whine whine whine. But the thing is, I can whine. This is my blog dangit, if you, anonymous reader, don't want to see me whine, then don't read my blog. This is for me, not anyone else. My blog, my thoughts, my rants, etc.

Anyways, here's a preview of the shoot I just did. I hope the rest of break gets better. If this is how it's going to be, I'm out...

Shmeh, From Thursday, Which I didn't have time to Post

School, Work, Sleep, HARRY POTTER. I'll be excited when I get there, but for now I'm just in a debbie downer mood. Today was shmeh, a day commonly described as a nothing special with a twist of remorse day. Bad things are happening everywhere, as they do around the world on the daily. Things just seem to be coming closer to where I live more often. All of this is bad grammar and lacking in sense, but this is what my blog is for. Blabbing. Who said it had to make sense?

The past hurts. The past is a common theme which haunts my thoughts and creeps into my mind before I drift off to sleep. The past is my enemy, bringing me down with every breath I take. It's also my best friend, reminding me of the joys I once shared with people who I cared about.

I don't care about people. I've lost some of the most important ones, and even that I didn't care about. It was an odd feeling, letting people go who had been a part of my life for a while. Especially because I could turn the other way without regret, which says something. Maybe it meant those people weren't supposed to be in my life, that I had changed and so had they. I have hurt a few along the way, and even that I don't regret. So why don't I feel anything towards them? Why can't I give them a heartfelt goodbye, or say thanks for the past and mean it?

It may just be teenage drama, it may be my imagination, it may be anything. There is no point. Everything I think about could have a meaning, or it couldn't. I could be alive, or I couldn't. We all could exist, or we couldn't. Whose to say what the universe is, how babies are made, who resides in the big blue sky way above our heads? We determine our paths, our futures, our mindsets, our goals, dreams, and hopes. We as people are influenced by others, those close to us or with power over us. Those who we admire, look down on, or look past. We are human beings, but who can even define that?

There is no reality. We are real, and we believe everything around us to be real, because we believe so. We haven't known any other truth. I believe everything in front of me is as it is because that's how I think it to be. If I were to change my mind and say things were different, they would be. I would also need to believe in myself fully for that to happen. And that's a very hard thing to do. The world is as you create it to be, your own melting pot. Think of it as you will.

Memory Lane

I've been here before. I wrote a small blog about my frustrations and how I felt about my future. Not being good enough, jealous of my competition, unsure of my potential. That was my only post, and I don't remember what I posted it under. I wish I could have found the blog, it represented who I used to be and still am.

No matter how many times we go through our pasts nothing can change, and that is why I view it as unhealthy to look back. Of course that doesn't stop me, and I'm sure the same goes for every other person out there. I didn't start a blog because I thought it was cliche, and everyone else started doing it at once. Then I realized that's not a proper reason to hold back, and I should not be holding back at all. I have dreams, hopes, wishes, fears, thoughts, musings, comments, questions, and answers to pose. Where else should I post such things? I do have a notebook, but hand cramps are sometimes a motivator to put the pen down. This is an experiment, and I will note my results accordingly.

I do not want this blog to sound apathetic, typical, or whiny. Be that as it may, it will probably be all of those things. I also do not want it to be obscure, plain, or metaphorical. I'm quite sure it will be all of those things. The point I make is I write for myself, not for other people. Yes, it would be interesting to see if anyone would read this, but I would rather let what happens happen. (grammar)? I will be here for who knows how long, doing who knows what, typing nothing and everything of importance. It all depends on how the reader looks at it.

Anyways, as a hint towards my identity, I am a photographer. Bingo, you know who I am. I just don't feel like stating who I am. So now I've given a clue, and I'll leave the rest up to you. (Note-That's not me).


Things I might be blogging about: a breakup, my regrets, my everyday life, my feelings towards certain events, my failings, my successes, etc.....just about anything. I might blog once a month or twice a day. Anything is possible, goodnight for now.